One year

One year ago today I loaded up my 10 week old and my 2 year old and went to a doctor's appointment that changed my life.  I hadn't given this appointment much thought, and never could have imagined the road this appointment would lead us on.  Looking back, I went into that day like any other, naively feeling unshakable, blissfully happy with my little completed family, fresh with the joy of the new life in our home.  My world was rocked that day, permanently tilting on its axis in a way that only your child can do.  I work in a place where I have seen this happen time and again.  Parents getting news that instantly alters the course of their lives, often much worse news than I received that day.  But so many times have I seen this happen.  Sat with the parents as we told them, placed a hand on their back, given a hug, passed the tissues.  Watched as they tried to wrap their heads around something so life altering that it is hard to grasp its magnitude.  Saw them not want to believe, and struggle to accept.  Saw them grieve the life they envisioned for their child, as it was replaced by one they couldn't have imagined.  I never thought I would be in their place.  In our case this process happened over a period of weeks, with the first piece of the puzzle given to us that day.  Even then, I refused to believe this would be a big deal, or really alter our lives much.  As the days wore on, and I learned more and more about this mysterious diagnosis that was given to my son, I felt myself falling.  The scope of its magnitude, its effect on our lives, and more importantly, Jacob's life, was more than I could handle.  I learned what it is to be helpless.  Desperate-  For it not to be so.  For help.  For information, but then to find that information you wanted just made the future look darker. For months I struggled between anger, depression, despair, and fear.  Never before had I experienced something that exhausted my ability to cope.  I have always just dealt with whatever rolled my way, arrogantly basking in the perfection of having the life I dreamed of...husband I love, kids, home, family, job.  This threat on my son shattered me.  I know what it is to come to the end of yourself. But from getting to that place, I gained so much.  Looking back on this last year, I am humbled and beyond thankful for all who have rallied around us this year.  From my husband, my rock in this, to my children, for not allowing me to wallow in it or simply check out.  You gave me joy every day. Our parents and family, for being there helping with anything and everything, being a unceasing support every step of the way.  Our church family for faithfully praying for every detail and supporting us.  Our friends...from giving blood, buying a t-shirt, praying, calling, sending a card, a note, an encouraging word, you have all been amazing,  For my work family,..I can never express my thanks for all you have done this year.  From fundraisers to the simple act of looking me in the face and not shying away from the hurt you saw there.  I will forever be thankful for the family of people in the NICU who truly care for me and mine.  This year would have been darker than I can imagine if it wasn't for each of you that was there for us.

One year ago, I was broken.  Though no longer lying in pieces, I will never be the same.  When I got that news one year ago, everything changed, just like it did when I held Jacob for the very first time.  Good or bad, change comes to our lives.  Uplifting or shattering, change comes.  How we respond to those changes shapes who we are.  I pray I may never sink under the weight of Jacob's condition, that I will be strong and what I need to be for my family.  I hope all we have gone through this past year has made me a better person, with the recognition that we all walk a path difficult and unique to each person, and that we all could use a little grace.  A better nurse, with caring and empathy beyond that I was capable of before this.  A better friend, there for my friends as they have been there for me.  A better wife, with appreciation of the man he is, and the wholeness of how he completes me.  A better mom, a fierce advocate, willing to do whatever it takes to keep my son in the best of health.  But also better at enjoying the little joys in life, looking always for the miracle in each day.  Because if not for all we have gone through this year, I wouldn't have recognized all I have to be thankful for.  Nor would I have learned to appreciate the beauty in "Today's Miracle." May I always keep my eyes open and my head up, looking toward the future and all the good in store for us.  Thank you all for being there for us this past year, though it had its tough times, it had so many great times too.  Love to you all.