To my baby on your birthday...

My sweet baby Luke,

Today you turn 1 year old.  I'm not sure how that happened, or if I'm ok with it.  But you are one all the same.  I had no idea how much I would need you this year, little boy.  When we ignored all the people who thought we were crazy for wanting 4 kids.  When instead of "Congratulations!", we heard, "Aww was it an accident?"  We knew you were meant for our family.  We were not to be swayed in our resolve to add another, not knowing what was in store, but knowing someone was missing.  And then we realized it was a reality.  You were on your way.  I had such a perfect pregnancy with you.  I felt such a beautiful mixture of joy, thankfulness, nostalgia, and sadness that this was the last time I would carry a baby under my heart, feel it kick, and dream of who it was that grew within me.

 We couldn't wait to meet you, but it somehow it ended too soon for me.   And there you were. Making a quick entrance on a perfect July day.  My love for you amazed me as it had 3 times before...so immediate, so fierce. How fully you filled my heart.

I loved introducing you to your siblings.  They were so proud of you, each one is their own way. Protective of you, and at the ready to "help" take care of you.  Marveling at each of your little accomplishments.  They love you so much, buddy.  

You came into our lives, hearts, and home, bringing a peace and contentment that enveloped the house. But we had no idea exactly how much we would need you.  This year has been a difficult one for us. But every day you were a breath of fresh air to your mama, who many days struggled to keep head above water.  The consistency of your needs.  The gentleness and sweetness of your nature.  Always happy.  Ever content.

Ready with a smile, a sweet baby laugh, a sweet little hand reaching up for my face.  So many months, you kept me grounded in the now, my littlest son.  How could I sink under the weight of worry I carried with your little hands reaching always for me.  Your little smile beckoning me.  Your eyes following my every move.  I didn't know how much your "needing" could be just what I needed. I owe you so much, my Lukie.  Such a special baby you are.

And with every passing day, you grew more into your own.  This growth of a tiny human into their own individual person, is a process that both entertains and amazes.  I pray we are the parents you need, and learn to be what you need.  You are your own person, not just one of our brood.  You are so fun.  "Voicing" your opinions, stretching your limits, exploring your world keeps me on my toes every day.

But Luke, this first year of yours was also filled with so many "lasts" for your mama.  And I know they will keep on coming.  But I will celebrate them with you, as my heart breaks a little.

Keep growing, my sweet "number last."  I love you so much little baby Luke.  My heart is full today as we celebrate you. May you experience all the joy you bring to our family.