Breath of Heaven

We just returned Sunday from our 9th trip to Boston for Jacob.  It was a good trip.  David and Jacob and I went, and we took Elena as well this time.  It was a sweet time for her and Jacob together, as it was last time when we took Asa.  I am so thankful for my kids and the love they have for each other.  His procedure was challenging as usual, but successful.  They treated the large main lesion in his chest, trying to keep it small and keep the pressure off his spine.  It is still working, as it continues to respond to treatment and shrink, though the effect is temporary and it will reroute and regrow.  But we are so thankful, that the treatments are still working.  We had a follow up appointment with the ortho specialist, who was pleased at the continued stable curvature of his spine (around 20 degrees).  They also treated the lesion in his right leg that they treated last time, that has caused him some pain, as well as a new one in his left knee that popped up just a couple weeks before the trip.  He has one in his neck that had been hurting him as well, that they were not able to treat, as it had already ruptured and there was only a blood clot remaining.  But overall, they were very pleased with how he is doing, and plan on seeing him again and treating him next fall to winter, depending on his symptoms.  He did well post-op, and we were able to be discharged that day. He recovered well over the next few days, is still having some intermittent pain, but less every day.  It was a good trip. 

 

 

I've been thinking a lot the past weeks about the past year.  Those closest to me know I have had a difficult time this fall.  I always struggle when we get close to going to Boston, but these past months have been more than that.  I have experienced depression before, and have spoken of it here.  I know this fall, that's been where I have been.  I have also spoken of the challenges I've faced this year at work.  That has played into this as well.  I have experienced more doubt, more discouragement these past 6 months than in my whole career.  I have personally been attacked and judged, regardless of my words, actions, and intentions.  In my darkness I have at one time or another doubted my hands' ability to heal, my mind's ability to teach, and my heart's ability to lead.  The depression has been crippling at times at home as well, and I am so thankful for my husband who understands and is there with me, and keeps everything running when I am incapable of doing so.  I always doubt my decisions with Jacob, and did even more so than usual in the weeks leading up, as he had more symptoms seemingly by the day.  I always feel so inadequate, and am crippled with fear of what could happen to him. 

My favorite Christmas song is "Breath of Heaven" by Amy Grant.  The past few years it has hit especially close to home.  In no way do I dare compare myself to the mother of Jesus, but I also identify with the words and feelings of this song.  So many times have I wondered if people look at my face when I'm feeling lost and wonder "if a wiser one should've had my place."  So many times I have known they should.  I see so many walk roads more difficult and heartbreaking than mine, with such grace and joy.  I struggle on with my lot, which is nothing compared to the suffering of so many.  But funny thing, there is no sliding scale on suffering, the validity of it is real to those who bear it.  I've even had friends make light of their problems in the face of mine, and I brush that off, as heartbreak is heartbreak regardless of its comparison to that of another.  But I struggle to give myself such grace and instead allow that comparison to make me doubt my ability to be Jacob's mom.  I know a wiser one should've had my place. 

More than this though, I identify with her words, begging for a "breath of heaven" to "hold me together."  I have searched so much the past few months, in my self-imposed darkness for a breath of heaven.  The beauty is that, as I am finally seeing clearer, as I look back over the past months, I see countless breaths of heaven on me and my family.  Things like a hug from a friend...a heating pad left under the covers to warm the bed for me for when I get home from work...a message of encouragement from a young nurse...texts and calls from my brother who understands firsthand how dark the darkness inside you can be.  Things like a bracelet from a friend to remind me I'm not alone no matter how far I go.  A friend walking into your messy house and just being present with you and helping you pack. Things like a team around me excitingly working hard on a project I have poured myself into, together giving a baby the best start at life.  My daughter's clear sweet voice, singing hear heart out.  The prayers of our church body, with hands laid on our son for healing.  Huge breaths of heaven, like a check in the mail from a church family not our own, but one moved to help us when our flight assistance fell through...a handwritten letter and gift from a colleague turned friend...and generosity of a stranger from simply finding their lost dog.  And breaths of heaven straight to my heart, from an anesthesiologist who heard my son wants to be a diver, and hand drew fish and bubbles on the anesthesia bag that would be used to inflate the lungs of my unconscious child.  This one who also gave him goggles to go with his "diver mask" so he wouldn't be afraid to breathe deep and go to sleep for surgery. 

For the recovery team who picked the bedspace so my son would wake up in the spot that has a diving picture on the wall next to it.  The breath of heaven in the form of seeing wiggling toes under the blanket of my still sleeping son in recovery.  So many times over the past months have I had a breath of heaven breathed into my life and heart.  Some breaths helped my family in tangible ways, and some I know simply encouraged my heart and cast light into my life. 

I don't know who all is reading this.  I've had as few as 50 people read my blog posts, and as many as several thousands.  I pray though whoever needs this one reads it.  I pray it touches a heart.  So many around us are hurting this time of year, and need their own breaths from heaven.  I pray that if you are experiencing your own season of darkness, that you will be able to see and feel the breath of heaven in your life this Christmas.  Much love to you all.
  

"Breath of heaven, light in my darkness, pour onto me your holiness, for you are holy.  Breath of heaven."