Break My Heart Sweetly

 It has been over 18 years since I first walked through the doors of the NICU.  It's hard to reconcile the person I was then with who I am now.  I have always been a largely introspective person, but for some reason of late, I have thought so much about this work, and what it is to me.  I think most everyone knows how much I love this "job", but only I know that it is woven into the fabric of who I am.  

I have heard so much over the years...advice on advancing my career path, and questioning over why I am still a bedside nurse.  My mind is wired differently, which could suit me for another role, but my heart lies in the trenches, at the bedside.  I find it hard to explain it to others, something I struggle myself to understand.  Sometimes I think life would be easier if I could walk away, or take another path, still here in the NICU.  But when you know with the certainty of which you know your own name, the calling you've been given, how can you choose another? 

I was told recently for the hundredth time, "I don't know how you keep doing it after all these years."  And sometimes, I don't either, and wonder if I can continue.  I work with passion and intensity, which drain the mind, body, and soul much faster, I've found.  But that's the only way for me.  The love I have for this work often feels a burden, and sometimes even, a curse.  But when you know you could not be happy doing anything else, what choice is there?  One thing I have discovered though, is that the more you do, the more of your soul is surrendered.  I have baggage, burdens I carry.  I have holes, scars, and ghosts.  The work of my hands has wrought such horror in a relentless quest for healing on bodies too small for this world.  Catheters, needles, lines, tubes, wires, compression, restraint...there is much blood on my hands.  Bloody gloves after a procedure, that I clean as I remain sterile, waiting for x-ray, telling myself it's so I'll keep my dressing clean, but knowing really why I have to do it.  Empty bedspaces after a battle lost, molds of tiny hands and feet that haunt.

I've made mistakes.  I've missed things.  I've made the wrong call.  I've fought with all I have and lost.  I've been broken more times than I can count.  I've limped out wondering how I'll ever come back.  I've limped in just hoping to make it through the shift.  I've misspoke, taken missteps.  In all the years of teaching, working, leading, and mentoring, sometimes I'll get it wrong.  I'm thankful for the depth of friendships and people who have loved me in my failures, and in even more difficultly, have said "You are not your best right now.  How can I help you fix it?"  Those people who love me enough to say the hard things and care enough to challenge me to be better.  I'm thankful for accountability, which is even more important for those entrusted with leadership; I never want to reach a place where I'm unwilling to receive feedback.  I'm thankful for the people who have given grace when I make mistakes and not written me off.  I'm here for friendship like that.  

I avoid comparison to others, running only from the me from yesterday, hoping to be better than her.  And that even in my failures, there is hope in being better tomorrow. Avoiding comparison lets me love my teammates, and leaves no room for jealousy or resentment, and also removes the ceiling for who I can become.  

I'm thankful for the people who trust me enough to keep coming back and asking me questions and for help, even if the last time I was impatient or short or gave the wrong answer.  I'm thankful for those who have loved me in my brokenness, who aren't afraid to look me in the eye and see the hurt that lies there.  I'm thankful for the sensitivity and discernment some have a way with, and see the shadows in my eyes when its hard to put the worry for my own baby to the back of my mind to see someone else's in front of me.  I'm thankful for those who see my humanity behind whatever image that people have of me here that I'll never understand.  I'm thankful for the people who are ok with me being real, even when its uncomfortable; as real, flawed, and hopeful is all I'm capable of.  

I'm thankful my mom shares my calling, here, in this place; that she understands, listens, and challenges me.  Some days I wish she didn't have to see my hurt, my failures, or see me break.  But most days I'm glad she does, and rest in knowing that the love she has for me is unconditional for she sees it all, and loves me just the same.  I hope every day that above all else, I make her proud.        

I know these are a lot of thoughts, not all connecting.  But the feelings that rattle in my heart and mind have no organization, nor my words eloquence.  I write only for myself, for the catharsis that writing brings me, and perhaps in hope another NICU nurse somewhere that has questioned themselves might find a shred of hope or meaning.  Because in all of this, I search for peace and understanding.  I found the closest thing to putting it into words, in a song I've heard many times.  But finally truly listened to.  In this song, I didn't hear words to a lover, or a friend.  But to the NICU, and every tiny baby that's ever stayed there.  To the ones who went home to their family, and the ones whose home was found in the eternal.  To the people I have fought beside, bearing witness with me to all, both horror and beauty.  In these words, I finally found what it is to me.  

I swore the days were over

Courtin' empty dreams

I worshipped at the altar of losing everything

And the guard I held together

Was losing all its shape

And in my head you looked so gorgeous

It's keeping me awake

There's a scar on my soul

So let me down easy

Break my heart sweetly

Like you always do

I guess I can't let go

'Til you wreck me completely

Break my heart sweetly

Drape me in blue

I was never scared of nothin'

Thought I had a home

Life went and broke me open

So I carried it alone

I'm findin' all this well-worn sadness

I never knew I kept

And I still chase you into heartache

Every time you take a step

There's a scar on my soul

So let me down easy

Break my heart sweetly

Like you always do

I guess I can't let go

'Til you wreck me completely

Break my heart sweetly

Drape me in blue

I swore the days were over

Of courtin' empty dreams

I worshipped at the altar

Of losing everything

But you had a halo made of diamonds

Resting on your head

I should be dealing with my demons

But I'm dodgin' them instead

There's a scar on my soul

So let me down easy

Break my heart sweetly

Like you always do

I guess I can't let go

'Til you wreck me completely

Break my heart sweetly

Drape me in blue

-John Moreland "Break my heart sweetly"

So I will remain here, you can find me draped in blue.  Chasing this calling, and these babies, even into heartache.  They will continue to break my heart sweetly, like they always do.  And I'm good with that.